As parents, we often find ourselves in situations where our toddlers refuse to share. This can lead to tears, tantrums, and some embarrassment. You might wonder why your obviously brilliant little one can't seem to grasp this “simple” concept. 

The truth is, sharing is a complex social skill that takes time and patience to develop. Why is sharing so challenging for toddlers? And how can you help your child learn this important life skill?

Understanding the Developmental Timeline
It's important to know when children typically develop the ability to share. Many parents think their children should master sharing by age two, but this expectation is actually pretty unrealistic. According to child development specialists, the ability to share usually doesn't emerge until around 3.5 to 4 years of age. It can be both relieving and upsetting for parents to realize that their little one is simply not able to understand the concept of sharing yet. 

This doesn't mean you can't start laying the groundwork for sharing with your little ones at an earlier age, but it's important to have realistic expectations. Just as we don't expect infants to talk or walk before they're physically ready, we may wind up frustrated if we expect toddlers to share before they're socially and emotionally prepared.

Why Do Toddlers Struggle with Sharing?

Limited Language 
Toddlers are still developing their language abilities. Around 18-24 months, most toddlers can typically only use two to three-word sentences. This makes it tough for them to express their wants and needs. When someone tries to take a toy from them, they don’t have the words or ability to negotiate for a longer turn or explain how important it is to them. All they can really do is yell, “No, it’s mine!” 

Developing Independence
Toddlers are also in a stage where they're learning to make their own choices and assert their independence (often loudly.) This newfound autonomy can make them protective of things they decide are theirs, even if they just picked it up two seconds ago. 

Lack of Empathy
Young children are still developing empathy - the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. They basically just assume that everyone sees things the way they do. This makes it hard for them to understand why another child might want to play with their toy. It’s theirs, and everyone should clearly know this, right? 

Emotional Regulation
Toddlers are still learning to manage their emotions. They also tend to feel things very intensely, even if we might think it’s “no big deal.” To them, it’s a very big deal! When asked to give up something they want, they may become physically overwhelmed by feelings of frustration, disappointment, or anger.

 

8 Tips for Helping Your Toddler Learn to Share
It's normal for toddlers to struggle with sharing, but there are several strategies you can use to help them develop this skill. Remember, you’ll have to repeat these things a lot before your toddler will be able to master this skill on their own, and they likely won’t fully be able to consistently share without help until closer to 4 years old. 

1. Model Sharing Behavior
   Children learn by example. Demonstrate sharing in your daily life, whether it's sharing a snack with your partner or letting your child use something of yours. Explain your actions as you go: "I'm sharing my cookie with Daddy because sharing makes both of us happy."

2. Practice Turn-Taking
   Introduce the concept of taking turns during playtime. You can use a timer to make turns fair and consistent. Say something like, "You can play with the toy car for 5 minutes, then it will be your sister's turn."

3. Praise Sharing Efforts
   When you see your child share, even if it's not very enthusiastic, offer specific praise. "I saw you let your friend play with your blocks. That was very kind of you to share!" Any effort to share from toddlers is positive, even if they have the grumpiest of faces while doing it. 

4. Encourage Parallel Play
   For younger toddlers, parallel play (playing alongside each other without direct interaction) can be a steppingstone to sharing. It allows children to spend time together without the pressure of sharing toys. There’s no need to force sharing if everyone is happy with what they have. 

5. Prepare for Playdates
   Before friends come over, ask your child to choose some toys they're willing to share and put away toys or lovies they're not ready to share yet. This gives them some control over the situation and teaches them that sharing doesn’t have to mean giving away their most cherished items. After all, even adults have things we won’t let our friends take from us!   

6. Narrate Conflicts
   Instead of jumping straight into telling kids what to do, try calmly describing what's happening. "I see two children who both want to play with the same doll. How can we solve this problem?" This helps children understand the situation and starts to involve them in problem-solving.

7. Allow for "Long Turns"
   Sometimes, forcing immediate turn-taking can be counterproductive. It’s okay to allow children to have longer turns with toys, especially if they've just started playing. This respects their play and often makes them more willing to share later.

8. Acknowledge Feelings
   Sharing can be difficult, even for grown-ups. You can validate your child's feelings, even as you enforce sharing. "I know it's hard to share your favorite truck. It's okay to feel sad about it."

Practice Makes Progress 
Learning to share is a process that takes time and patience. Your toddler won't become a sharing expert overnight, but with consistent guidance and understanding, they will eventually get better at it. As your child grows, continue to provide opportunities for sharing and praise their efforts. By age four or five, most children have a good grasp of the concept and are able to share more willingly, at least most of the time.

Until then, celebrate the small victories and remember that even a challenging experience with sharing is a learning opportunity for your little one. And as a parent, it can help to remember that no, your 2 year old isn’t just a selfish person. With time, patience, and lots of practice, your little one will be on their way to becoming a generous sharer.